I'm struggling to forgive. Everytime I think I'm over it, a reminder of her pops up and I realise I've not moved far from square one.
Let me backtrack: we were at the same secondary school for three years without knowing each other, got talking on a school trip, became friends and then became best friends as we saw out our last days at school together. "Sam, you're like a sister to me." "Sam, in sixty years' time, we'll be old ladies, grey-haired and sipping tea in rocking chairs reminiscing on the good old days."
We wanted to go to the same university, and after she accepted an offer on a course that wasn't her first choice, we arrived at this new city together, me firm in my belief that we were fully well on course to get to those rocking chairs together. In hindsight, that was naive - who doesn't change at university, right? But she'd said we wouldn't, and call me a fool, but I believed her.
As I struggled to settle into this higly competitive academic world whilst missing home, I spent many hours lying on her first-room floor, staring at the ceiling, occasionally welling up, whilst she sat on her bed and listened, and expressed some empathy. Maybe I was a drag? Maybe she only pretended to empathise?
There's more, but an attempt to preserve annonymity restricts me from saying more. Suffice to say second year was the dealbreaker. Perhaps she felt over-shadowed by me? Who knows. I don't.
Don't just call me naive. After thinking about it all for a long time (yes, years), I've realised there are two, slightly different, aspects to it all. One, yes, is me feeling like her changing. The second? Her complete lack of a sense of loyalty, a sense of respect for the friendship we had. Besides naive, I'm loyal - that's how I'd like to think I am with all my friends. Yes, in many cases, we've evolved in different ways, or grown apart, but I've never, never just dropped one of them and replaced them with alternative.
No one likes being rejected, and I guess that's what this is. I want closure, though. I keep kidding myself and telling myself that I can just let it go, but even years later, my heart hardens when she appears on my Facebook newsfeed. What did I do wrong? If you're reading this, and you know it's about you...have a heart. Please.
